God, He or She?

For the last half a year or so I found it very difficult to pray, for many reasons. Today it occurred to me that one of the reasons is my doubts over how to address god, as a 'he' or a 'she'.

Perhaps to some this seems a trivial matter. But for me it has become a defining matter. Ultimately, the way we perceive god bears upon our belief systems and our behavior.

The majority of orthodox Christianity retains a patriarchical view of the world. God is addressed as 'Father', 'Lord', and 'He'. However, I cannot but regard all these masculine addresses as a - perhaps weak - representation of own patriarchical thinking. Why would god have a sex anyway? According to the Biblical narrative god doesn't need a sexual counterpart to create. Moreover, some scarce examples in the Bible describe god in a maternal fashion. I therefore conclude that God has no sex and our overwhelmingly masculine addresses are not correct.

Yet, there is another side of me that longs for a god as a father, a masculine type. When I used to pray I would imagine god as a fatherly figure, more than a motherly. It probably has much to do with the way our societies are arranged, where fathers are all too often head of the family - the ones who should be responsible for many (extra-household and long-term) affairs. Where my doubts often lie in things like career or my place in the world, I like to address the masculine god.

When praying, having come to the conclusion that God is not a man, I felt I was constantly making a mistake by addressing god as Lord or Father. I tried to avoid the matter by using words like 'Creator' or 'God'. However, I also perceived my feelings of intimacy all but disappeared. Coupled with negative experiences of Christian conservative views of sex (and the role of sexes) I finally stopped praying.

Having lived in China for almost half a year. Not too regularly visiting Church, I still feel like I am in need of a god who gives meaning to life beyond science, occasional charity and our daily saving and spending. Having rejected the possibility of a masculine god, while being a major step, I do not pretend to better know god. The easy way out would be to reject the 'god-hypothesis'. Though I do mind posing god as an hypothesis (and I am open to the idea that there is no god) I found little reason or perhaps willingness to reject it. But neither would I confirm many of the mainstream assumptions about God and their conclusions (e.g. on sexuality and the role of different sexes). Having an unclear picture of the universe and its presumed god, makes one - who still classifies himself as a christian - quite lonely. So recently I have taken up praying again, sometimes quite shamelessly calling god as Father, assuming that however I address god, it is - or should be - of no consequence.

So at times I will call god 'Father' or 'Lord', but that does not legitimize support or acknowledgement of some patriarchical order. I wholeheartedly object to the assumed leadership of men in church, family, or society. I do not see the moral superiority of masculine dominance, in the same way as I do not see the superiority of feminine dominance. Sexual straight jackets are invariably sexist. In my opinion, this holds true for sexual orientation as well. True, perhaps more women prefer to work as a housewife, but does that make the successful business women an abomination? So why is female church leadership still such a controversy?
While I might address god as a father, just because of my limited imagination and my limited capacity to feel intimacy - I fervently reject the sexist straight jacket.